Comedy, Great Moments In
Tony: To do one unselfish act with no thought of profit or gain is the duty of every human being. Something for the benefit of the country as a whole. What should it be, I thought — become a blood donor or join the Young Conservatives? But as I am not looking for a wife and I can't play table tennis, here I am.
“The Blood Donor”, Hancock's Half Hour, 1961, by Alan Simpson & Ray Galton
Advertising Executive: You changed “four score and seven” to “eighty-seven”? … I understand they mean the same thing, Abe. Trust me, it’s like Marc Antony saying “Friends, Romans, Countrymen, I’ve got something I wanna tell ya”.
“Abe Lincoln versus Madison Avenue”, Bob Newhart
Mrs Confusion: Ooh, hello Mrs Premise.
Mrs Premise: Oh, hello Mrs Confusion.
Mrs Confusion: Busy day?
Mrs Premise: Busy! I’ve just spent four hours burying the cat.
Mrs Confusion: Four hours to bury a cat?
Mrs Premise: Yes, it wouldn’t keep still; wriggling about, howling.
Mrs Confusion: So it’s not dead then.
Mrs Premise: No, but it’s not at all a well cat. So as we’re going away for a fortnight we thought we’d better bury it to be on the safe side.
Mrs Confusion: Quite right. You don’t want to come back from Sorrento to a dead cat, do you?
“Whicker’s World”, Monty Python’s Flying Circus, 1972
Dud: Here, have a sandwich. My feet are killing me.
Pete: What's that got to do with the sandwich?
Dud: Nothing, I just said it afterwards, that’s all.
Pete: Well, you shouldn't say things like that together, it could confuse a stupid person.
Peter Cook & Dudley Moore, Not Only But Also (“At The Art Gallery”) by Peter Cook, 1965
Tony: I'm going to carve a new life for myself. You recommend Australia?
Bill: Yeah, it's a great country, Tub. Full of youth, vim, vigour, energy. Work hard and play hard. Always on the go. Get things done. Bags of zip.
Miss Pugh: Why did you leave?
Bill: By the time I was twelve I was exhausted.
It undoubtedly helped a man in his dealings with the domestic staff to have the rights of the high, the middle and the low justice — which meant, broadly, that if you got annoyed with your head-gardener you could immediately divide him into four head-gardeners with a battle-axe and no questions asked.
Blandings Castle and Elsewhere, P.G. Wodehouse (1935)
“The only question I ever thought was hard,
Was, do I like Kirk or do I like Picard?”
White and Nerdy, “Weird Al” Yankovic (2006)
Emma Dreaming, Arthur White, Chris Muss, Jess Like-Dee, Juan Swee, Hugh Sterno, Wendy Treetops-Glissen, Anne Chilled-Wren, Liz Anne, “Two Ears” Laybelle, Cindy Snow.
Cast of modern version of an old Bing Crosby film, as proposed by The Goodies
Jeeves: Your position is in many respects somewhat difficult, sir. But I wonder if I might call your attention to an observation of the Emperor Marcus Aurelius. He said: “Does aught befall you? It is good. It is part of the destiny of the Universe ordained for you from the beginning. All that befalls you is part of the great web”.
Bertie Wooster: He said that, did he?
Jeeves: Yes, sir.
Bertie Wooster: Well, you can tell him from me he’s an ass.
The Mating Season, P.G. Wodehouse (1949)